I usually feel most connected to myself in Ramadan. They say to know yourself is to know God, and Ramadan – being a month full of ibadah, is a time that facilitates just that and therefore the subsequent effect of being connected to yourself was consequential.
But I worry. There has not been that connection this year, so far. The terawih prayers that I get to do have been sparse. The qiyamulails have not started, as Singaporean mosques usually do it on last 10 days of Ramadan, but I have no subsconscious plans in my head to wake up at 2.30 am in the morning and make a 10 steps trip to the mosque for it. The Quran reading of at least 10 lines a day, if not a half chapter has not happened.
The opportunity cost for not being able to do all the things above is something I have identified long ago as not a good enough reason to be an excuse.They are all dunya reasons. I shudder thinking at how easy it is to slip into old comfortable shoes and just treat Ramadan as a month to fast and count the days to Raya, and nothing else is dfferent in terms of prayer, reflection and connecting to God and yourself. When I was young, I used to think spriritual upliftment is a progressive linear line. My 12 year old mind thought that once you get things right, you will automatically do it again and better even. I confirm to myself yet again, that every year is a jihad. Much much stronger than the life-sacrificing kinds that serves no purpose around the world except for bulldozing a misguided dogma of some self-serving mullah.
I have about 11 more days to go. At this stage in previous years, I am already strategising my wake-up calls for the 2.30 am alarm so that I can make the 3.30 am qiyam prayers. I would have SMSed some regular friends from Ghufran to ask if they wld be at the mosque too. I would have missed sorely the melodious recitation of Imam Irshad Mawar’s Quran recitation if I miss any terawih prayers. The 18-year old’s reading has a way of making you rush home and practice your own.
I once wrote a column on how Ramadan is a month where I have my own mirror of self-reflection and see how smooth is the spiritual form I see in front of me.
11 days is a very short time. I know its my rezk that I have this consciousness to reflect on my Ramadan journey. Its also a gift that I get to share this with a lot of you reading this. I am somewhat jaded reading about Raya preparations and Raya thoughts.
Measure your Ramadan journey. Are you jogging on-the-spot too?
Come run with me. We can still make a sprint for it.
i have written something in response to this entry 🙂
Nazrah: YOu have just broken my record. And now the pattern is broken 🙂 Thank you.
Let’s do it together girl. Habibi is already at the mosque for his first qiyyamulail. I’ll be doing it alone from home. I’m guilty of crawling (spiritual wise) as well. May Allah help us.
Hmm.. I too, when young shared that view of “spriritual upliftment is a progressive linear line” unfortunately usia dah menjangkau.. ni semua macam tak menjadi… so it seems…
Allah knows best & I can only hope & pray to find a deeper ‘connectedness’.
Ramadan Mubarak to all here…
maknenek: Insya’allah, Amin. Crawling is such an apt word for me too *shameful*
summersnail: I have this strange suspicion we need to get religious syllabus to include ihsan and tasauf lessons. we all fall into the category of learning Islam via rituals when we were young. But things are changing slowly, alhamdulillah.
Ramadan Mubarak to you too.
uja, like maknenek, i am crawling too. But a difference that I am making this year is that, on certain days, I lead the prayers at home with my girls. kalau I go to the mosque with myhusabnd for terawikh – the girls will miss out as they come back from work late. We are trying – the children too are making efforts and as a parent , as a mother, I can only say, Alhamdulillah for even the smallest steps that they make, thatI make. next year perhaps – a longer and bigger step, Insayaallah.
Good golly miss molly… IT IS a tape measure!!! heh… momok#1